Animal Jokes
Dip it in gasoline and light a match
How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close
Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge is not large enough to hold them all
How many giraffes can you fit in a refrigerator?
None, the elephants are in there!
Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget
Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?
It's all over town!
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elephino
Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any children?
Because whenever his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
What do you call two dinosaurs who've been in an accident?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks
What goes peck - peck - peck - boom?
Chicken in a mine field
Why don't anteaters get sick?
They're full of anty-bodies
Termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
Giraffe walks into a bar + says, "The highballs are on me."
What do gerbils say when homosexuals come into the pet store?
"Arf,arf,arf, bow wow wow"
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
What do you get when you cross a deer with a pickle?
A dill doe
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye deer
Why don't blind people bungee jump?
It scares the crap out of their dogs
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow who's had an abortion?
Decaffeinated
Because they have cotton balls
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Because he doesn't want anyone to know that he's been screwing chickens
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-ass
Where do Batman's goldfish live?
In the bat tub
Where do Superman's goldfish live?
In the super bowl
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?
"The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stock, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked, "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you, baby stork?"
"Out scaring the shit out of college students," replied baby stork.
Why didn't the baby goose believe anything his father said?
He thought it was all papagander
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks him over and says, "You're not from around here are ya?"
"No," he responds. "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Well, what do you do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," replies the man.
Looking very bewildered, the bartender asks, "What in the world does a tax-e-derm-ist do?"
"I mount dead animals," replies the man.
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar (which is staring at them now), "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P
Why wouldn't the butterfly go to the dance?
It was a moth ball
Two cows are in a field.
First Cow: "Do you worry about getting Mad Cow Disease?"
Second Cow: "Nah, I'm a penguin."
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says,
"All I can smell is molasses."
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50. But with the Lab work and cat scan...."
What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."
He frowned for a moment and said, "OK," then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty. "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have one. But the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The egg is frowning and looking annoyed, while the chicken has a big smile on its face and is smoking a cigarette.
The egg says, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
A guy's walking down the street when a six foot beetle pops up, pulls out a knife and stabs him twenty times. Then the beetle kicks the living shit out of him and pisses on him. The guy staggers to the nearest hospital and explains what happened to the nurse.
The nurse says, "There's been a nasty bug going around."
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town. He sees a farmer and his hound dog sitting sitting out on the front porch of a rusted old shack, and he figures he'll have a little fun.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Farmer: "Dogs caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Great, thanks for asking."
(Farmer stares in stupefied amazement )
Cowboy: "How does your owner treat you?"
Dog: "Really well. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Alpo, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Horses caint talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
(Farmer falls off his chair)
Cowboy: "How's your owner treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
The farmer stands up and says, "Them sheep ain't nothing but a bunch of damned liars!"
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary."
The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" they say.
One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking a leg. A ferocious bear was charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish. Please Lord, make a Christian out of that bear coming at me!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear Lord, bless this food I am about to receive..."
During break time at obedience school, two dogs were talking. One says to the other,
"The thing I hate most about learning all this stuff is that you'll never use it in the real world."
Genius Dog
A butcher is busy at work when notices a dog in his shop. He shoos the dog away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.
The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
"Clever, my ass," the guy responds, "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
10 Can't stick your head out of Windows '95
9 Fetch command not available on all platforms
8 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit
7 Can't help attacking the screen upon hearing "You've Got Mail"
6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working
5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
4 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
3 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms