Bar Jokes
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"
A drunk goes into a bar. The bartender tosses him out as he is too drunk. The drunk walks back into the bar. Again, the bartender throws him out for being too drunk. Again the drunk walks into the bar. The bartender is just about the throw him out when the drunk looks at him and says, "How many bars do you own, anyway?"
A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?"
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."
A drunk walks into a bar pulling a huge anchor chain. The bartender says, "What are you doing, dragging that huge chain into my bar?" The drunk says, "Did you ever try pushing one?"
A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from his belt. The bartender asks, "What's that for?" The pirate responds, "Aarrr, its driving me nuts".
John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"
A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"
A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"
A giraffe walks into a bar. "High balls are on me!"
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." and the mushroom says - "Why not? I'm a fungi."
A horse walks into a bar, across the room, up the back wall, across the ceiling, down the front wall and then up to the bar. The bartender gives the horse a beer, he drinks it and leaves. A guy sitting at the bar looks perplexed and asks the bartender "Hey, what's that all about?" The bartender replies, "Don't take it personally, he never says 'Hi' to anyone."
Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies, "I think not", then disappeared.
A Kabbalist walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
An amnesiac comes into a bar. He asks, "Do I come here often?"
John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Ah, now the problems start!"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!"
A professor walks into a bar and orders a double martinous. The bartender says, "you mean a double martini?" The professor says, "If I want more than one I'll ask for it."
A crow walks into a bar wearing a pearl necklace. He orders a drink. "I've never seen a crow wearing a pearl necklace before", says the barkeep. "What do you expect with basic black?", says the crow.
A snake walks into a bar. Waaaa?
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.