Dirty Jokes
Short Dirty Jokes:
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.
Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed?
A: Because their plugged into a genius!
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
Q: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep crap.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
Q: What has got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog!
Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
A: Mever bin laid on
Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
A: A lickalotopis
Q.When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?
A.When he is standing next to your miss saying her hair smells nice
Q:Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
A:Because he was looking for Pooh
If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something
If you had a donkey and I had a chicken and if your donkey ate my chicken what will you have?
Three feet of my cock up your ass.
Q: What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?
A: A virgin.
Q: What kind of bees produce milk?
A: Boobies
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
Q: What do you call ball's on your chin?
A: A dick in your mouth!
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Q; Whats the difference between the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader?
A: They both suck for four quarters.
What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts them off; A priest sucks them off
Q:Why do dwarfs laugh when they play soccer?
A:The grass tickles their balls
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What does a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A: Liquor in the front and poker in the back!
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been screwing the chickens!
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to do it?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them
Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you’re finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What’s 6 inches long and starts with a p?
A: ........... a s**t (think about it pee)
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
A: They both only change their pads after every third period!
Q: Whats the best thing about a 18 year old girl in the shower?
A: Slick her hair back she looks 15..
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand.
Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
Q: How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Q: How man Sorority girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, One to screw it in, and one to take a picture.
Q: How do you kill a retard?
A: Give him a knife and say "Who's special?"
Q: What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.
Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a homeless guys funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
Q: How do you get tickets to the Tampon 100?
A: Pull some strings.
Q: Why can't Jesus eat m&m's?
A: Because he has holes in his hands.
Q: Why Are crippled people always picked on?
A: Because they can't stand up for themselves
Q: Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
A: Putting her back in the wheelchair when your done...
Q: What would happen if you cut off your left side?
A: You would be all right.
Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?
A: A bucking horse.
Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
A: He got the gas bill.
Q: What is a crack head's favorite song?
A: I wanna rock!
Q: How do you get retards out of a tree?
A: Wave to them!
Q: What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
A: Anything you want.
Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms.
Q: What's sicker than a pile of dead babies?
A: The one alive in the middle chewing it's way out.
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's worse than spiders on your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
Q: Why did the Mafia cross the road?
A: Forget about it.
Q: What did the Alabama sheriff call the black guy who had been shot 15 times?
A: Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
Q: After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
Q: What’s black, white, and red all over and doesn’t fit through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her head.
Q: Why are pubic Hairs so curly?
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: Whats long hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats long, Hard and Erects stuff?
A: A Crane!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A: I cry when I cut up onions...
Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
Q: What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids!
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having it?
A. Call her and tell her.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they do it?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
A: They already fell for that trick once.
Q: What's the job application to Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q: Whats the hardest part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents that you are gay.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the crap out of their dogs!
Q: What does D.A.M stand for?
A: Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Q: What do you get when you mix puppies and rabbits?
A: Puppets.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: A liar.
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A: "I'll see you next month."
Q: What's even better than winning the Special Olympics
A: Not being a retard.
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.
Q: What do you call a school bus full of white people?
A: Twinkie.
Q: What did one tampon say to the other?
A: Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
Q: What do you call a retard in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it cums on your face!
Q. How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A. Very satisfying.
Q: Whats thirty feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at a nusing home.
Q: What is the square root of 69?
A: Ate something
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What does a rubix cube and a Penis have in common?
A: The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger
Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A: You have to chew before you swallow!
Q: What is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12
Q: Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
A1: Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.
A2: Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
Q: Did you hear about the Waffle House waitress they found murdered behind the restaurant dumpster?
A: She was scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped, and diced.
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
A recent survey shows that sperm banks beat blood banks in contributions...HANDS DOWN!
Q: What did the hard boiled egg say to the boiling water?
A: I can't get a hard-on because I was just layed.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner
Long Dirty Jokes
Smart Student
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your
problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s
office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some
questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?” Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?” The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?” Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: “Wha t goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?” The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?” Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’
that means a lot of heat and excitement?” Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong.
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants to do it, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "screw him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try."
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy crap, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy crap! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"