Fart Jokes
"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."
The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
What would you call the definition of surprise?
Answer: A fart with a lump in it.
Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely sh*t my pants then..."
Confucius say, Man who drop watch in toilet have sh*tty time.
A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
THe next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
THe wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"
A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart
Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!
A bloke is taking a piss down a lane when a Copper spots him.
"Oi Guvnor, you cant do that here!!! It'll cost you a 45 quid fine."
The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: "But I haven't any change"
"No worries, you can keep it," says the bloke..."cos I dropped a couple of farts as well...."
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
What is Green and Smelly? - The Hulk's farts...
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.
WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:
1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. Whilst giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. Whilst on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you're feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Eur - o - pean.
Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh*t."
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart.
Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"
Man says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"
A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.
Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.