Music Jokes
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Bagpipe jokes
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the only thing worse than a bagpiper?
A: Good question. We're still trying to find out too.
Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.
Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A bagpiper.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"
Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.