Redneck Jokes
You Might Be A Redneck If:
* None of your shirts cover your stomach.
* You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
* You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.
* You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
* You own a homemade fur coat.
* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
* You think the stock market has a fence around it.
* You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
* You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
* You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
* Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
* You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
* You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
* You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
* Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
* You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
* The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
* Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
40 Things Never Said By Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
You might be a redneck if ...
Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
None of the tires on your van are the same size.
You hold the hood of your car up with your head while you work on it. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
You've ever slow danced in a Waffle House.
Starting your car involves popping the hood.
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
You whistle at women in church.
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
You have been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.
your bass boat goes faster than your pickup truck and cost more than your trailer.
you've ever stolen toilet paper.
you've ever financed a tattoo.
you can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked in your pants.
you've ever bought a used baseball cap.
The flood history of your area is recorded on your living room walls.
you've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
you ever cut your grass and found a car.
people hear your car coming a long time before they see it.
the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
your screen door has no screen.
the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
you list your parole officer as a reference.
at the dog track, you always bet on the dog that "does his business" right before the race starts.
you've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
you don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
truckers tell your wife to "watch her language."
the family business requires a lookout.
you've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
you think the "6 to 10 pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
you drove to elementary school.
you say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two minute conversation.
your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
the trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
you walk INTO a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
you wait to schedule your family reunion until after the parole board meets.
your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off it.
directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
your family tree doesn't fork.
your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
you see going to the family reunion as a chance to pick up chicks.
your Dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
you prominently display a gift you bought at Grace land.
your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
you consider your license plate "personalized" because your father made it.
bikers are afraid of your mama.
You might belong to a redneck church if ...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5,000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.
The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” and five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his we drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Strawberry Hill.” “Thou shalt not covet” applies to hunting dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, ya hear!”
You might be from Ohio if...
You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You know all 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
"Toward the lake" means north and "toward the river" means south.
You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
"Vacation! " means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
You measure distance in minutes.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. For example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what 'pop' is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires six pages for sports.
You might be a High Tech Redneck if...
Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."
You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop."
Your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
Your baseball cap reads "DELL" instead of "CAT."
Your computer is worth more than your car.
Your wife said "either she or the computer had to go," and you still don't miss her.
You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."
Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite dog, truck, tractor, or farm animal.
You start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
You might be a redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Budweiser.
At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come over to the darkside ... it'll be a hoot!"
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag or NASCAR number painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
You have the doors of your X-Wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear, "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle and your brother and your cousin and ...
Top 10 signs you're at a redneck wedding
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Denny's
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Bib overalls; Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard Dat"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"... some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally ...
And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding
Sign in front of the church: No Shirt... No Shoes... No Problem!
If you have some funny redneck jokes please send them to us on our contact page.